Relations

I have a problem. I sort of talking to and dating this boy. The first problem is he lives in Chicago and I live in Gary. The second is I get infatuated easily and I believe I like him, like a lot. I'm not sure if my heart is lying to me or if it's my heart I'm really hearing at all. Another thing is I'm a virgin. I have a purity ring which means I have to wait until I am married to have sex and I don't think I want to wait. I feel like if I break that pledge to God I'll get striked by lightning and sent automatically to hell. Also I'm sensitive about my body. I'm not skinny and gorgeous like other girls, not calling myself ugly of course. Just sometimes I don't feel as pretty or as confident in my looks that I want to be. I get compliments from guys sometimes but they almost always then ask me to send them nude pics afterward. It's the same thing with this guy, Khalid. Every time we text we always talk about skyping and how he wants me to flash him and he wants to see me naked or in the shower. I'm not comfortable with that and I told him this but I guess it didn't sink in and like I said I like him. We finally did skype for the first time yesterday and I'm not sure how it went. First off, I loved his face and his voice. I don't know what it was but his smile captured me. It made me want to smile, then it got awkward. He was naked and wanted me to watch him take a shower. I had no problem with that, I mean I like dick even if it isn't the longest or thickest but he kept pestering me about flashing him and I wouldn't. After that I got quiet because I wanted to see if he would change the subject and he did but it didn't go as I wanted. I thought he had asked if I thought I was slick so I said no and then he asked so you think I have a small dick. I was confused. I said no and that wasn't the question you originally asked. He laughed and said it wasn't? Then like 2.4 seconds later he hung up on me. I'm not sure if it was because it was too hard to shower and talk or because I couldn't give him what he wanted and he felt I was wasting his time. I feel ashamed because I really like him but I shouldn't have to change my morals for a guy should I? The whole point of this huge paragraph is to talk about relationships. Is it wrong or unfair to want an intimate relationship rather than strictly physical attraction? Is it wrong to get to know someone deeply before you realize you want to be with them? Is it too much to ask for a friendship before a relationship? Are all these questions from my lack of experience and age? Am I not mature enough or ready to date? Should I stop pursuing men who want sex right now?

Confused To the Extreme

Baby Chastity

The Beginning

I just wanted to start by saying hello. This is sort of like a memoir for me to express my feelings, but it's not a diary. It is merely a reflection of me and the person I want to be. Who I know i can and should be. This is my voice. It will express everything I am not brave enough to put in words.